Friday, February 19, 2010

Bringing the Crazy

Holy Hell. If I didn't know better, I would swear it was a full moon. Today at work was INSANE. Well, the people calling were anyway. I have always thought people should have to get a license to have kids, but I am beginning to think that needs to be extended to pets. Here's a little taste of the crazy from today (reminder: I now work for a Humane Society; I don't normally answer the phone much but we were short-staffed today):
  • First thing, a lady calls because her cat is up a tree and she wants us to bring a ladder out to get it down. Seriously? This is what you think we do? Um, no, dumb bitch. Besides, have you ever seen a cat skelton in a tree? No. It will come down.
  • Next has taken his female dog to a vet...the dog is leaking puss from her vulva. No shit. She needs to be spayed immediately, but he cannot afford the vet, so can he bring her to us, like, right now? Um, no, jackass. Besides the fact that you have to have an appointment for a spay/neuter, the dog sounds seriously sick. How about some antibiotics? 
  • Next call....lady brought her male and female dogs to us to be spayed/neutered six months ago, but they must be in heat because the male is humping the female. She's watching it right now. Um....since I seriously doubt those procedures are reversible on their own, maybe it's simply aggressive behavior, ma'am. I, mean, Savannah humps Pepsi all. the. time. Crazy, lesbian doggie. Oh, and give them some privacy, how 'bout it?
  • We take community service workers to help in the shelter, sweeping, cleaning cages and such. Some dude calls this afternoon and wants to come in to do his CS work. So I run down the sheet of do's and don'ts and remind him to bring his paperwork. Oh, he doesn't have paperwork. He is coming to do the work BEFORE he goes to court so he can hopefully head off having to be assigned CS work. WTF?? Were you in trouble because you are a stupid jackass??? Moron.
  • But the BEST call of the day was from a toothless inbred lady who wanted to know if we had cat cages. Seems "she done called Animal Control and she ain't gots no answer over yonder and they done said they would comes out but they ain't done done it." And the entire time she was "talking," her first cousin man was "hollerin'" in the background "I'm about to kill me some G-D 'EFFIN cats! By God, I'm getting my shotgun and I'm killin' some cats!" I guess the cats were eating their dinner pet squirrels?? And she's all like "shut the Hell up, Jimmy Bob--I is tryin' to talk to this here lady!" Holy Mother of Pearl. If only I could do it in person for you with the accents. 
So, yeah, the nut jobs were out in full force today. In good news, this crazy shit just makes me love my job even more because it is some good anecdotal shizz to share at cocktail parties and such. In other news, I picked up a faboo new bed for the Pudding at work this week--look:

Pepsi sort of took over Savannah's old bed since she has been gimpy. See, Pepsi usually sleeps up in the chair, but she hasn't been able to jump, so she just took over the bed on the floor. Yeah. No wonder Savannah humps her. Anyhoodle, a pet store chain which I cannot name donates all kinds of stuff to the shelter which we "sell" for donations. I picked up this awesome bed (faux sheepskin and suede removable cover! egg crate cushion! bolsters all around!) for $10. Did I mention I love my job??? In other news, the Pepster is better now after we took her back to the vet yesterday for a steroid shot. So, whee!

Lastly, remember my large vat of Starburst Jelly Beans? Remember Starburst's lack of quality control? Well, it's back:

MORE mutant jelly beans! To the left is a normal bean. In the middle is a bean sperm. To the right is a baby baby, picked early.

Well, I am off, peeps. Tomorrow is the dreaded tax prep day. Actually, I LOVE my accountant, but we always get so screwed on the taxes. Hopefully, since I didn't work last year, it won't be an issue this year. See, an upside to unemployment! Later taters! B.


robertga99 said...

Insert Redneck Joke here:
You might be a redneck if you made any of the calls listed in this blog.
if your dress is strapless but your bra isn't.

Jen on the Edge said...

"Besides, have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree? No. It will come down."

I'm going to be laughing over that line for a while.

Bo said...

Your job sound interesing...You have gotta love toothless inbreed people.

bunny said...

Bobs, seriously, some of these people are beyond redneck.

JOTE, if I was honest, I cannot take credit for that line. My boss said it. He is super cool.

Bo, answering the phone is not my job, but it IS more interesting than my job! lol

Elisabeth said...

HA - larry - us!

Jeff said...

This is the funniest story yet. That shotgun man could either be one of my ex's or a family member...oops (TMI).