Monday, December 07, 2009

An Open Letter to Tiger Woods

Dear Jiggy Tiggy,
Dude, I have sat by long enough, withholding judgment, waiting for the "facts" to come out from amongst the loads of damning evidence against you. At first, I thought this story was all just some skank trying to get her 15 minutes of fame on. Then, it just kept going. And going. Like the Energizer Bunny. Now, it seems that you have majorly FUBAR'ed and fell back in it.

Let me say that I don't really follow golf, nor do I really even like you. I basically thought you had a yard long stick up your arse. But apparently, I was wrong. So wrong. It seems, in fact, that you have a freaky deaky streak. But, really, Tiggy, Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.? I, mean, what WERE you thinking?

Even though I thought you were a little too big for your britches, I took you to be a smart man. A man who knows better than to text his harem of mistresses, leaving a trail of evidence longer and larger than I hear your Mr. Johnson is. This ain't the 1950s and you ain't John Kennedy. No one is going to protect you or hide your messes for you.

In fact, the scandal-rabid paparazzi and the blood-thirsty middle class of peeps out there love to see people like you put in your place. You are too rich. You are too superior acting. You look too much like the POTUS. You get my drift? I ain't sayin' it's right, but I'm just sayin'.

And, really, porn stars and plastic-filled Barbies are your temptation of choice? Seriously? Again, I would have thought you slightly more discriminating. If you think that bunch of bimbos you boinked were going to hide their indiscretions then, hot damn, were you wrong.

So, now, not only have you disgraced yourself, your sport and your family, it looks like you have lost your wife (who could be a raving bitch for all I know, but is quite, quite lovely to look at) and two incredibly beautiful children. And I hope you have invested well because you will probably lose million$ and million$ due simply to your inability to keep your pecker in your pants. I hope that piece of ass (or pieces of ass) was worth it.

So, dude, good luck getting out of that shit hole you have dug for yourself. Before you make another move, I would suggest hiring a great PR person (Hey! I'm available! Call me!) for damage control of the C.F. of madness that is sure to be your life for weeks, and maybe months, to come.

With love,


Jen on the Edge said...

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Rumor has it that Elin has renegotiated the pre-nup, including a huge lump sum immediately. Good for her. I hope she also gets herself tested for whatever diseases he could have brought to their marital bed.

bunny said...

JOTE, last week, I heard Tiger offered to shorten the pre-nup term from 10 to 7 years, with an immediate $5M "bonus" if she stayed with him for the term of the pre-nup (2 more years; they've been married 5). Today, I heard she has moved out. Good for her that she didn't let him put a price on her self-worth.

bunny said...

JOTE, in reading that again this morning, please don't think I was being, well, a bitch to you. Trust me, I hope Elin gets every penny coming to her and more. I just think it is pathetically sad that he thought he could "buy" his wife's loyalty. I wonder what his price for loyalty is? Guess we'll never know.

Elisabeth said...

Great letter, bunny. The hubs and I can't stop shaking our heads at this one. You hear about all the junk with other sports' athletes, but up until now, golf has sorta been the 'respectable' sport. Guess for all the change Tiger brought to this sport, he really did hit a new level. Goes to show money, fame, prestige don't buy satisfaction or contentment.

bunny said...

Ditto, E, except I would say money, fame and prestige don't buy a brain or good sense.

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

You said everything I've been thinking.
Of course, since this is all happening a few miles from here, it's a MAJOR news story.
I'm guessing Casey Anthony (Miss "the nanny stole the baby")
is thanking Tiger for giving the newscasters something else to talk about.

The local talk radio buzz is that Tiger will plead for forgiveness, go to Sex Addiction Rehab (calling Dr Drew!!)and redeem himself and all will be well.

If he was a woman, everyone would be calling him worse names than "serial cheater"

KP said...

I cannot STAND Tiger "I'm an ASSHOLE" Woods. He is a douchebag. I had never heard anything good about him from anyone in Atlanta - just that he was a total asshole, always - rude and nasty. So needless to say, I was NOT surprised he was stepping out, because he is a PRICK - and he always will be. Plus he always looks so sour - and he has tantrums on the golf course! Ass wipe. I cannot STAND HIM!

bunny said...

KP, tell us how you REALLY feel, how 'bout it?? ;)